


Blindsided

by Ink_Gypsy



Series: Grandmother Wood Universe [7]
Category: LOTR RPS
Genre: Grandmother Wood Universe, M/M, otp birthday fic, sean/elijah fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-28
Updated: 2011-01-28
Packaged: 2017-10-15 04:04:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/156873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ink_Gypsy/pseuds/Ink_Gypsy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On Elijah's 30th birthday, Sean writes him a very special letter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blindsided

**Author's Note:**

> Written January 28, 2011 for Elijah's 30th birthday.

Elijah let himself into the house and was surprised to find the living room empty. Sean took birthdays very seriously, and Elijah had expected to find the man he loved waiting for him amid preparations for the celebration Sean no doubt had planned for the first day of Elijah’s third decade on earth. He’d imagined walking in and finding brightly wrapped packages, bouquets of flowers, and the dining room set for a romantic dinner at home. Or maybe Sean had made reservations at some out-of-the-way restaurant where they wouldn't be recognized and could eat their meal without being disturbed.

Assuming Sean was out making some last-minute arrangements, Elijah went to the desk to check for the day’s mail. If he brought the mail in, Sean always put it on the desk so Elijah wouldn't have to search for it. Today brought no surprises. A few bills, which he set aside so he could check out the more fun things he’d received. He’d already received birthday cards from friends, including members of The Fellowship, and added to them today were cards from his mother and Hannah. Smiling, he picked up the rectangular-shaped package wrapped in brown paper and postmarked Cedar Rapids. He didn’t have to shake it to know it contained cookies. His Gram had been making him her famous chocolate chips since he was a little boy, and after the family had moved to California and she couldn’t deliver them in person, she would mail a tin of them to him on special occasions. She had sent him a tin of cookies for his birthday every year since they’d moved away, and this year was no exception.

He was about to unwrap the package so he could open the tin and sample a cookie when another envelope caught his eye. Unlike the rest, which were sitting together in a neat stack, this one was apart from the others, and had been placed upright against the desk lamp. There was no address on the envelope, no postmark, only the name _Elijah_ , written in Sean’s cramped script. Thinking it was a birthday card, Elijah opened the envelope, but instead of a card, the envelope contained several sheets of stationery. If Sean had wanted to leave him a note, why hadn’t he sent a voicemail or a text message? Curious, Elijah unfolded the pages and began to read.

>   
> 
> 
> Elijah,
> 
> Today is your 30th birthday, my love, though it’s hard for me to believe that because to me you’ll always be that beautiful eighteen year-old boy I met for the first time in a hotel lobby in Los Angeles. Despite your changing hairstyles and your ever-increasing need to sport facial hair, when I look at you I can still see that teenager everyone called mature beyond his years, and whom I once described to an interviewer as an old soul. Was it only twelve years ago? It feels as if there hasn’t been a time when I _didn’t_ know you, _didn’t_ love you. To say I never saw that love coming is a major understatement. What I was, pure and simple, was blindsided.
> 
> You know I’ve always been driven where my career is concerned. It’s in my blood, I suppose, hereditary. When your mother wins an Oscar at the age of sixteen for her first film role, it’s safe to say the bar has been sufficiently raised, at least high enough to cause you a lot of doubt about your own talent when you decide to follow in her footsteps and your father’s and go into the family business.
> 
> So when I got the opportunity to audition for _Lord of the Rings_ , despite the fact that I would have to give up sixteen months of my life, that I would have to leave my wife and daughter at home and travel halfway around the world, I jumped at the chance. I’d had some minor successes, but with _Rings_ , I thought it was finally going to be my turn to shine. To prove myself. To finally gain some respect as an actor. Of course the first time I saw those big, hairy feet, I began to question the wisdom of my decision, but I’ve never been one to shy away from a challenge, and now that I’d gotten my chance to show what I could do, I was going to make the most of it.
> 
> When I got on that plane to New Zealand, that’s all I was looking for. But it wasn’t all I found. I was determined not to let anything distract me from my career, but when I was making my career plans, I hadn’t planned on you, Elijah. I tried to deny it, but I knew from the moment you flung yourself at me in that lobby and I felt you in my arms, that I could throw any plans I’d made right out the window.
> 
> Those first few weeks were difficult. I’d admired your talent before we met, but being there in person to see you practice your craft, I was truly in awe. Seeing you lose yourself in your role, watching you _become_ Frodo was humbling. Sometimes I got so caught up in your performance that I actually forgot we were sharing the scene and I was supposed to deliver lines of my own, not just stand there watching you deliver yours. Just acting with you helped me up my game.
> 
> And the difference you made wasn’t only during filming, but during our down time, too. When I was missing Chris and Ally, you were always there to take my mind off my loneliness. I tried to convince myself that you were my substitute little brother, and I did have brotherly feelings toward you in the beginning. Even though I was ten years older than you, we connected the way Mac and I did when we were kids. But things began to change. I started to look forward to work each day not only because I was excited about filming, but because I was excited to see you.
> 
> You’re such an affectionate person, Elijah, and you were always so demonstrative. If I seemed uncomfortable with how easily and naturally you touched me, it wasn’t because I didn’t like it. It was because I liked it too much.
> 
> Look in the envelope. Do you remember this picture?
> 
> [ ](http://photobucket.com)
> 
> I think Ian must have realized what was happening between us, probably before we did, and looking at the photo now, over ten years later, I imagine the placement of his hand, his palm turned towards me, was a subconscious gesture, his way of trying to stop things from going any further, as if anything could.
> 
> When Chris and Ally returned to New Zealand, I thought things would be better for me, but they only got worse. Each time I made love to Chris, it was you I imagined in my arms, your body naked, your skin flushed with desire. It scared the hell out of me. The perfect world I’d created for myself was falling apart, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. When I finally admitted to myself that I had feelings for you, I was terrified that you’d find out how I felt, and it would ruin not only our working relationship, but our friendship as well.
> 
> I didn’t know how to deal with my having those kinds of feelings for another man. It had never happened before. I was pretty sure you were gay, but that didn’t mean you could ever be attracted to someone like me, especially looking the way I did. The twenty pounds I’d had to gain in order to secure the role of Sam made me feel less attractive than at any other time in my life, but you saw past the physical to the man inside. You never let me feel dumpy or unwanted, which made it even more impossible for me to resist my growing feelings for you.
> 
> While my professional life was looking up, my personal life was in shambles. I felt as if I'd fallen into a deep, dark hole, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find a foothold that would help me climb out again. Then one night you came to me and told me you loved me. Suddenly I could breathe freely again. And when you pressed your lips to mine, your kiss led me out of the darkness and back into the light.
> 
> I wish I’d been a braver man for you. Instead, I put you through years of lies. I forced you to sneak around so we could see each other on the sly, as if I was ashamed of us. Insisting we hide our relationship didn’t mean I didn’t love you, only that I didn’t have the courage to admit it to the world. You could have forced me to go public, but you never pressured me, and you never complained. You never asked for more than I was able to give. Instead you gave me time, but all that changed four years ago when I refused to spend Christmas Eve with you and you flew to Iowa to spend it with your grandmother.
> 
> You did me a favor that night, you know. You spurred me into action, and I finally got up the nerve to make the move I’d been afraid to make. I’ve never regretted it, Elijah. My only regret is the fact that California took away our chance to make it legal. I know a piece of paper won't make me feel any more married to you than I already do, but I’m old-fashioned enough to want that declaration of our love on record. One day I hope we’ll get the chance to have that legal status because I want it, and I hope you do, too. But for now I'll settle for us wearing the rings I brought with me on the trip to your Gram's the following Christmas. I can't tell you how proud I am to wear that ring and to know you wear its twin.
> 
> I wanted to say these things to you in person, but I knew you’d interrupt to contradict me and say I didn’t hurt you, but I know better. So I put my thoughts down on paper, in longhand rather than typed because it’s more personal that way, more from the heart, if you like. And I know about hearts because mine, now and forever, belongs to you. Happy Birthday, my beloved.
> 
> Yours always,
> 
> Sean
> 
>   
> 

Elijah folded the letter and put it back in the envelope. At the sound of the key in the door, he quickly wiped his damp eyes and turned to greet Sean. “And I thought your book was revealing,” he offered with a half-smile.

Sean wore a serious expression. “I never thought I’d write anything else as important as that book was to me, but I was wrong.” He went to Elijah, and putting his hands on the younger man’s shoulders, told him, “That letter is the most important thing I will ever write.”

“I’m sorry my going to Gram’s backed you into a corner,” Elijah said with a touch of melancholy in his voice.

Sean looked horrified. “God no, Elijah. That’s not how it was.”

“But you said my going to Gram’s that Christmas Eve forced you to make a choice you weren’t ready to make.”

Sean stroked Elijah’s cheek. “Not a choice,” he corrected with a smile, “a move. The choice was made twelve years ago when I met you. It was the fear of losing you that gave me the courage to act on it.”

“I’ve never known you to shy aware from public speaking,” Elijah teased, waving the envelope at him. “You know you can tell me anything, Irish. Was it really so hard for you to say these things that you had to put them in a letter?”

Sean shrugged. “My heart is so full, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to get through it all in front of you without breaking down.”

Elijah was touched. “Your letter made _me_ cry,” he admitted, and as if to prove it, he found his eyes were damp again. “Why should I be the only one?”

Sean used his thumbs to wipe away the tears that now ran down Elijah’s cheeks. “The last thing I wanted to do was make you cry.”

“I don’t mind,” Elijah told him, “but what got you all introspective, Sean? I would have expected it on your birthday, but not mine. You can’t still be bothered by the difference in our ages, not anymore.”

Sean shook his head. “No, I’ve finally made peace with that,” he assured Elijah. “Your turning thirty has officially ended my thinking of you as a kid.”

“Glad to hear it,” Elijah said in relief. “So what started this?”

“I suppose you can blame Peter Jackson,” Sean offered.

Elijah’s eyebrows lifted. “Okay, you lost me. What does PJ have to do with this?”

Sean shrugged. “With you returning to New Zealand next month to play Frodo again, it got me thinking about filming the trilogy. It almost feels as if our lives have come full circle.”

Elijah knew Sean well enough to know there was something more to it, something Sean was hesitant to discuss. “You _are_ all right with that, aren’t you? I know you hoped we’d both be heading back to New Zealand...”

“Of course I’m all right with it, Elijah. I think it’s wonderful you’re going to be involved in _The Hobbit_ even in a small way.”

“But?” Elijah pushed because he knew there was more.

“But nothing,” Sean said lightly, and started to turn away.

Elijah pulled him back so they were face to face again. “You poured your heart out in this letter and now you’re holding out on me? Come on, Irish, we don’t keep secrets from each other.”

“It’s not a secret.” Sean sighed, looking embarrassed. “I'm just a little disappointed that I won't ever be your Sam again.”

Elijah shook his head in amazement. “For an intelligent man, Astin, you can be awfully dense sometimes.”

“Gee thanks,” Sean said sardonically.

Elijah smiled, his eyes full of love as they held Sean’s gaze. “A part of us will always live in Middle Earth, Sean, but whether we're in New Zealand, Venice Beach or anywhere in-between, you’re always going to be my Sam. I thought you knew that.”

“I do,” Sean nodded, and Elijah could see a slight flush of his skin as he added, “I guess I just need to hear it from time to time.”

Elijah asked, “Would you settle for every day for the rest of our lives?”

Sean paused as if to consider then replied, "I think that just might do.” He took Elijah in his arms and kissed him. “Happy Birthday, Elijah."


End file.
